What If
by MaxieFalconeri
Summary: A fanfiction surrounding Johnny Zacchara, Dante Falconeri, and a woman they both have feelings for. Original Female Character with Johnny and Dante. I'm not good at summaries! But I swear the story IS good.
1. Why

Author's Note: I don't think I ever posted this on this site. But I thought why not. I started it a long time ago. I have two chapters written which you'll see here. Based on reader feedback, I'll decide whether I should continue it or not. I'm also planning on finishing or at least continuing the Dante/Maxie story I started a long time ago that I started posting on here. It's just hard—for me to decide where to take things with that one. Anyway, this story is pretty self explanatory, but I do want to mention it's Johnny and a female original named Kendall Drake(she's Carly/Patrick's daughter. She was probably SORASed at some point to make the age make sense). Well it's Johnny/Kendall/Dante and no, i have no idea how it will turn out. Read and Review, please..I'd love some reviews!

"What if it makes you sad at me  
And what if it makes you laugh now, but you cry as you fall asleep  
And what if it takes your breath and you can't hardly breathe  
And what if it makes the last sound be the very best sound" –What if, Safetysuit.

To say that the day had been long would be an understatement, at least to Kendall Drake. She had woken up at six A.M. after falling asleep around two with her boyfriend. Then she'd worked half the day in the studio recording before going to the MetroCourt to see her mother. Kendall loved her mother, but sometimes? Well sometimes, she made messes that not even Kendall could clean up for her. She had only intended on being an hour—two tops. But of course with Carly an hour meant four.

She'd run into her little brother Morgan on the way out who talked her ear off about Dominic Pirelli and their love for the Yankees. Kendall thought it was cute that one of her former stepfather's men had taken Morgan on as a friend. Sonny was too busy to do any parenting anyway and Dominic seemed nice.

Fifteen minutes later, she made it to her apartment building. The elevator was broken per usual, so she had to climb five flights of stairs in stiletto heels. She wondered why she'd worn them considering the elevator had been broken since January. Kendall hoped Johnny wouldn't be too upset with her for being over an hour late. They were meeting at their apartment and then going for dinner. If he was mad, she'd just have to pull the mom card.

She made it up the stairs and took a moment to catch her breath before heading down the hallway. Kendall walked past five doors before reaching her own. She noticed it was open slightly and there were noises—ones that shouldn't be happening without her. "You don't want to know, Kendall" she said aloud to herself. Regardless of not wanting to know? She needed to know.

She pushed the door open all the way and gasped at the sight before her. Johnny was cheating on her with Olivia Falconeri and on their couch no less.  
John stopped what he was doing when he heard the gasp. "Kendall"

"Sorry, I'll just come back later. Hopefully by that point, I'll have washed my brain out with bleach" She said, coldly. She didn't want to breakdown in front of the whore he'd cheated on her with. "Just leave your key and take the trash with you when you leave" She added, before closing the door and walking the way she had just come from. She had no idea what to feel at the moment, she just wanted it to be a nightmare.

Meanwhile John was getting dressed so fast that if you blinked, you just might miss it.

"Where you goin'?"

"I gotta go after her and make her understand. This was a mistake and it never should've happened" he told her, seriously as he slipped his shoes on.

She rose from the couch, with the blanket wrapped around her as she searched for her clothes. "Didn't seem like a mistake back at Jakes"

He turned at the door. "I shouldn't have ever been there. Look you're gorgeous and fun and smart. But…that's it and even if she never forgives me? Nothin' like this will ever happen between us again"

He opened the door and ran out, down the hallway to the stairs which he took two at a time. "Kendall!" he yelled. "Kendall!" he continued yelling down the entire trip down to the first level. When she didn't answer, he knew she'd already made it out of the apartment building.

"Think Johnny think. Where'd she go?" he asked himself as he looked in every direction, his hands going through his dark hair. John's eyes locked on the park and he realized where she'd gone. He bolted across the street ignoring the honking horns and screeching tires of traffic that he was interrupting. He made it across the street in one piece and proceeded to the spot where he'd met Kendall three years prior. She'd been crying her eyes out over a breakup with a guy who wasn't worth her time. Of course, at the moment? Neither was he. John turned the corner and there she was with her head in her hands crying her eyes out. It was déjà vu, although there was one major difference. HE was the reason she was crying this time.

"Kendall"

She looked up at the sound of her name and her red eyes locked onto those of Johnny Zacchara.

"What? What do you want from me?"

He moved closer to the bench that she was sitting on and sat down once he had reached it. "What I've always wanted from you"

"Well you—you can't have that, Johnny"

Shit. She'd called him Johnny. She wasn't just upset—she was pissed because she was one of the few people who never called him Johnny.  
"I'm sorry, I…you don't understand how sorry I am"

"You're right. I don't understand how sorry you are. Hell I'm not sure WHAT you're sorry for. Are you sorry you slept with another woman on our couch in OUR apartment, no less? Or are you sorry that I caught you?"

"All of it" he said, realizing how she would probably take that. Crap! "I mean, I'm sorry I ever want to Jakes and that ANY of it happened. I don't mean that I'm sorry I got caught because I wanted to keep doing it!"

Kendall's eyes went wide as she listened to him speak. "You wanted to keep doing it? How long has this been going on? Was this not the first time?" She asked, as she got to her feet and crossed her arms in front of her chest with the look that scared even John in her eyes.

He stood up less than a second later. "What? No of course not! This was the first and ONLY time anythin' remotely like this has happened, ever! I don't want to sleep with her again. I don't think I even wanted to the first time"

"You don't THINK? It's an easy question. Did you or did you not want to sleep with that whore on our couch?"

"No!"

"So why did you then? Was I not putting out an enough for you? Were you just bored or was the fact that I'm blonde now a turn-off for you? Tell me, I really want to know the amazing excuse you'll come up for why you just threw away three years together down the toilet"

"I don't know...You were late, so I went to Jakes to have a drink. I thought I'd have a drink and come home and find you there—I didn't think any of this would be happening. I swear on Anastasia that I didn't mean for any of this to happen, I had a lot of plans for tonight and us fighting—wasn't included in those plans" He said, quietly as his hand reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a small black velvet box.

"Don't you dare bring Anastasia into this" She said, as her voice wavered. How dare he bring her up in a conversation about his infidelity!

"Why? Why not? Maybe that's why this happened, Kendall. You never want to talk about her. You want to pretend she didn't exist like she was never here at all!"  
"Of course I don't want to talk about her, John! Why would I? She's gone and talking about our dead baby isn't going to bring her back. I don't want to feel empty every hour of every single day and I do! I do when I sit around thinking about her and the fact that she should be here with us, we should be raising her. But she's dead and gone—so excuse me for not wanting to talk about her and think about the plans I had for her and for us"

"Well I wanna talk about her, Kendall. I wanna acknowledge that you were pregnant and that we had a daughter—even if we only had her for a little while. I don't want to go on pretending like it never happened and like she didn't exist. I loved her as much as I love you and I lost her too!" he said, raising his voice near the end. The fact that she didn't even want to hear their little girls name had always bothered him and standing there in the spot where they met, made him even more convinced that he'd committed his act of stupidity because of it. She was living in denial about the entire thing and he had finally fallen into the same pattern. He could sleep with Olivia and just sweep it under the carpet and never talk about it because if you don't talk about it? It didn't happen.

"Okay fine! Fine, John. Let's talk about our little girl who was born with a heart defect and died two months after she was born. What would you like to discuss first? Hmm? The day she died maybe? When she was hooked up to all those monitors and we held her little hand and watched as the number went lower and lower, and finally just ended at nothing? Or is the funeral more your speed?" she yelled, as she shoved him with all of her force. If he was going to act ridiculously, then so could she.

"No! I want to talk about the day she was born and how next to meeting you, it was the best day of my pathetic life. I want to talk about how she looked when she smiled and how she had to be the smartest two month old baby either of us had ever met! I want to talk about how you forced me to paint the goddamn nursery five times because every shade of purple wasn't right until the fifth one! I want to talk about the fact that even though it was the dumbest decision you could ever make, you wanted her to have MY last name because that was the right thing to do. THAT is what I want to talk about!"

Kendall stood there and for once, she just didn't know what to say. She remembered everything he was talking about. It was the best day of her life too, the very best aside from hearing the words "I love you" coming from the Zacchara mob prince. The one who people claimed had no soul and was unable to love anyone because of the insanity he was raised in. But even though she remembered and it was the best day for her too? All she could think about was losing their child, the day she died, and how nothing had been exactly the same since. She'd been fighting back tears for the past few minutes and she'd been losing the battle pretty steadily. "I—I can't talk about that" She said, her voice full of emotion. "I can't talk about..her..at least not with you" She admitted, finally as a tear rolled down her face. She probably looked like a raccoon because of her runny mascara. But that was the last thing on her mind at the moment which was funny because normally her appearance was everything. "I don't know how this turned into a discussion about Ana, but the problem is that you cheated on me and I don't think I can forgive that. We're done, John and I want you to move out—because you can afford to do that and I lived there first. So..just get your things and leave your key and take her with you" She said, as she wiped her eyes. "Bye, John" She whispered before walking in the opposite direction.

Johnny just stood there taking in everything she'd said as he watched her walking away from him and directly out of his life. He didn't know how he could've been so stupid to sleep with Olivia Falconeri—even if he'd had a drink or five. He'd lost her for good and now, there'd be no fixing anything or even dealing with losing Anastasia. A few minutes later, he turned and headed back to the apartment to pack his things because she wanted him out and he was going to do that for her.


	2. Just The Way You Are

Author's Note: I forgot to mention before that i give full credit to one of my friends for him calling her "Kens". Totally all her..I figure if she ever reads this she might wonder why I never gave her credit. So there you have it. Hope this chapters pretty good for you all :D maybe it'll make you as confused on who you want her with as I am! I forgot to mention before that i give full credit to one of my friends for him calling her "Kens". Totally all her..I figure if she ever reads this she might wonder why I never gave her credit. So there you have it. Hope this chapters pretty good for you all :D maybe it'll make you as confused on who you want her with as I am!

Kendall walked all the way from the park to the cemetery, which normally would've seemed like a long walk to her. But in the state she was in? Well it didn't seem that far. She knew her way through the crowded cemetery and stood in front of the place where her baby girl was buried less than ten minutes later. Kendall's hand traced over the letters on the headstone, one at a time, slow as possible. She'd gotten all the way to the r in the last name Zacchara, when she heard something from behind her.

"Zacchara, is that Johnny's baby sista or somethin'?"

Kendall turned and looked up to find Dominic Pirelli standing before her with his hands in his jean pockets and a look of actual confusion on his face. She got to her feet and brushed herself off before looking at Dominic once more.

"No.."

"Oh…I just assumed, y'know..cause I can't really see his pops havin' a sista or anythin'..specially not one that he'd care to bury from what I've heard bout' the guy" He said, shrugging his shoulders.

"It's his daughter, if you must know"

"He had a kid?" he asked, before realization hit him and he felt incredibly stupid for having opened his mouth. Some undercover cop he was for not doing his research. Johnny might not be the primary target or anything, but the Zacchara's were just as big a problem as Sonny. He should know that the mob prince had a little girl that was no longer amongst the living.

"We had a daughter"

"Oh..it was..uh..huh they don't teach ya lines for situations like this.." he said, with a quiet and nervous laugh as rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

"Don't hurt yourself trying to come up with something to say, Dominic. It's fine, really it is. We don't talk about her and that's why people don't know. You've only been here since what? July? It's not like anyone would tell you"

"Yeah..but still..I worked for the Zacchara's. I mean before I ended up with my present gig..and no one eva mentioned John havin' a kid or anythin'"

"Well they wouldn't, It's not something we talked about especially once we knew she was sick. But..uh..I don't really think we should be talking about her. What are you even doing here? I mean it's a cemetery and last I checked you didn't have any family in this place—dead or otherwise"

"Sonny wanted me to come put flowers on some woman's grave for him. I don't ask questions bout' that sorta thing, I just do it" he told her, with a shrug. "Are you alright? Cause' you don't seem all that okay and I mean you always look real good to me Kens, but your eyes look like they've been through hell"

She thought for a moment before attempting to answer him. On the one hand, she didn't owe him an explanation and telling him to mind his own business was pretty appealing. But on the other, he seemed genuinely concerned and he'd used the adorable nickname he'd given her the day they'd met at the MetroCourt. "Johnny and I broke up, he uh..he cheated on me with Olivia Falconeri on our couch in our apartment. But that's what I get for running late, right? Then he tried to blame me for it I guess" She said, with a sigh as she ran her hand through her long blonde locks. "I mean he claims I want to pretend our dead baby never existed, which might be true..but what does that have to do with him keeping his pants on?"

"woah, wait..hold up here, he cheated on you with Olivia Falconeri?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. That guy had better already be kicking himself or Dante was going to do it for him because for one thing he'd slept with his mother. For another, Dante liked Kendall a hell of a lot and the girl deserved better than being cheated on and his Ma deserved more than being John Zacchara's one night stand. "You not wantin' to talk bout' yours and his kid ain't got a damn thing to do with him havin' no self-control. That's just a lame attempt at tryin' to hold onto what he threw away when he slept with someone old enough to be his Ma'" he told her, seriously. He was trying to suppress the urge to go kick Johnny's ass Bensonhurst style because if he did? His cover would probably be blown, at least somewhat.

"Well it doesn't really matter, right? I mean it's over and It's weird..but as upset about it as I am? I'm also..slightly happy. But you know, I shouldn't be talking to you about this or Johnny or any of it. I'm just going to go.." She said, finding herself slightly nervous which was weird because it was Dominic of all people. Dominic with his cheesy pick up lines and his hair that she desperately wanted to take a pair of scissors to. Then again it sort of made sense that she was nervous around him being that Morgan had been trying to set her and Dominic up for months..kid wanted his favorite sister and his best friend together.

"Well..okay, but ya know for the record..you can talk to me anytime you want bout' anythin' " he told her, honestly. Johnny did not deserve a woman as wonderful as Kendall, that was for damn sure and if he had anything to say about it? He never would again. "And I'll see ya round' right?"

"Yeah, you'll see me around especially if Morgan has anything to say about it"

"Which we both know he will cause' one that kid's got an idea in his head..he really don't let go of it"

She laughed lightly. "No, that he doesn't. I'll see you later"

"See ya later.." He said, as he watched her leave. Once she was gone, he took a few moments to himself to calm down because he truly did want to murder Johnny Zacchara and once he had, he headed back to his apartment, all the while thinking of how sad Kendall had seemed.


	3. No Air

Author's Note: Thanks to those who did review. I'm going to try to post a chapter every other day or every few days..depending on what I come up with in the way of storyline. Anyway, onto the next chapter and please read and review! And I'm going to apologize in advance because I really do not know all of Spin's nicknames for people—so if he has one for Coleman or anything, I'm not aware..and I didn't use it. And Jason is Kendall's godfather—just so that when you read this chapter and there's the reference, you understand why.

After the night she'd had, Kendall needed to relax which meant she needed to drink and temporarily escape from the hell that was her life at the moment. She'd contemplated going to the MetroCourt and having a few drinks there. But she knew that her mother was most likely there and while she had been of legal drinking age—for awhile? Carly still didn't like her drinking. So, she had to resort to Jake's. Kendall normally loved Jake's. But at the moment, she hated it because she'd spent so many nights there laughing and drinking with Johnny.

She arrived at Jake's a good ten minutes later, walked inside, and sat herself down on a bar stool. She ordered a strong drink and told Coleman to keep them coming. When he asked her if there was something wrong—she replied with a cryptic response of "everything" and told him to hurry up with her drink.

About thirty minutes later, she was on her fourth drink and she was beginning to feel a little light-headed and all around not good. But she wasn't slurring her words yet. So there really wasn't a reason to stop drinking, right? She raised her glass up and shook it a little, so that Coleman would bring her another one, he nodded as if to say he understood and then walked into the other room. After making a phone call, he came back and gave her another drink which far as he was concerned was going to be her last.

An additional ten minutes passed by and then she heard the door open and someone walking over to the bar. She set the now empty glass down on the counter and looked over. GREAT!

"Greetings, formerly brunette one..Coleman called and said that you were in need of some assistance" He said, as he sit down on the stool next to Kendall.

She blinked for a moment. Coleman had called Spinelli? Something did not seem right with that picture. "Coleman called you, Spinelli? That..makes no sense whatsoever" She said, shaking her head for a few moments too long being that she was on her way to being a fall over drunk.

Spinelli sighed. "Well no..he called Stone Cold, but unfortunately he couldn't come and assist you due to the fact that he is dealing with some business of the utmost importance with " he explained. "So he called me and asked me as his most trusted friend If I wouldn't mind coming to retrieve you from Jake's and escort you home"

"Okay...so what your saying is that Jason was too busy bumping someone off to come get me and sent you instead? That's rich. I'm not going home, Spinelli. I'm staying here and finishing off my night—by getting completely wasted and forgetting that I breathe, if that's alright with you"

"You seem upset, Formerly Brunette one..what seems to be the problem? I know you rarely if ever indulge in alcohol to the point of intoxication..and certainly not as you put it to the point of forgetting that you breathe. Why would you want to do such a thing? I'm required to take you home, Stone Cold said to, and even if he hadn't..as your friend, I can't leave you here..not when you're so clearly upset by something"

"Why do men cheat, Spinelli? Tell me that, why do men cheat?"

As her words hit him, realization hit him—she was talking about Johnny. "I'm not sure, Formerly Brunette One. Did the mob prince..cheat on you?" He asked, already knowing the answer to the question. "

Kendall sighed and nodded. "Yes, he did with Olivia Falconeri. So you heard it here first, Spinelli! Johnny and Kendall are no more!" She said, as she almost fell off the stool before regaining her balance.

"The mob prince betrayed you with The Colloquial Cousin?" he questioned, genuinely surprised. While he was hardly a fan of Johnny's? He knew how he felt about Kendall and him cheating seemed...out there.

"Yes, Spinelli..do I really need to explain this to you?" She snapped. "I'm sorry" She sighed, as she attempted to get off the stool without falling flat on her ass. "I'll go home..if you promise to help me with something" Kendall said, as she finally got on the ground and steadied herself.

"It's okay, Formerly Brunette One. I know you aren't yourself at the moment" he paused, before hearing her say something about promising to help with some task she had. He debated on if he should. Jason did say to take her home. But at the same time, it was Kendall and he was something of a sucker for her. "What do you need help with?"

"You'll see. It's nothing bad, I swear.." she trailed off, as they left and headed off to do what she had asked him to help her with.

And it wasn't anything bad. Although, he had no idea what he was doing. "Formerly Brunette One, I fear that I am not the best candidate for this..shouldn't you perhaps call your mother or a friend of the girl variety?" he questioned, as he read over the box. She'd forced him to stop at the only store in town that was open all night and buy two boxes of chocolate brown hair dye.

"Spinelli, I don't have girlfriends, okay? And my mother will send me to the salon tomorrow morning..and I really need this done tonight. It's really not that difficult. Just put the gloves on, mix the dye, and slap it on my hair..then I can do the rest" She said, as she looked at him. She pouted a bit. "Please? I really need your help, Spinelli..please"

Spinelli just nodded his head and took out the gloves that were for some reason stuck to the instructions. Who did that? Apparently, hair dye people did. He had a difficult time getting them on his hand for some reason and to Kendall? It kind of looked like he was having some sort of spazz attack. She couldn't help but laugh. Although, she didn't do it very loudly because she didn't want to upset Spinelli. Once he had the gloves on, he did what the instructions said to, and then looked around Kendall's apartment. "Where is the best location to uh..do this?" he asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"Come on, we'll do it in the bathroom" She said, as she grabbed his free hand and dragged him and the hair dye into the bathroom. There was already a stool in the bathroom because she'd tried to be a hair stylist a few nights back and cut Johnny's hair. Of course, the big baby only let her cut a few strands of hair before he flipped out and jumped off the thing claiming that he'd seen..a bug. Ha, bug her ass! He was scared she'd mess up his precious hair. Now, she wished she'd held him down and cut all his hair off.

"I feel it is my duty to warn you that the Jackal has no idea what he is doing and that whatever results come from this experience..well perhaps it would be most wise of you to promise not to end the Jackal's most treasured life?"

"Spinelli, I'm not going to kill you. You really can't mess up..let's just do this and then you can go have your orange soda and chips"

When he'd finished with her hair, he took off the gloves and threw them in the trash can. "It says that it has to remain on your head for 25 minutes..why do women do this, Formerly Brunette one?" he questioned.

"Because we want men to find us attractive and god only knows no woman with natural hair or anything else is attractive these days" She said, shrugging her shoulders.

"Perhaps the Jackal is old fashioned..but isn't beauty supposed to be about what's within a person as opposed to..the outside?" he asked, confused by women in general. Ever since his relationship with Maxie? He knew even less about women then he did before.

"It should be. But it's not, unfortunately. You don't have to stay you know..I'm pretty sure I can wash this out of my hair in a half-hour" She told him, encouraging him to leave.

"Well..before the Jackal leaves.."

"Yes, Spinelli?"

"Did you break up with the mob prince because of his infidelity or was there another reason?"

Kendall sighed heavily. "I broke up with Johnny because he cheated and because we're not right for each other anymore"

"Well it's my opinion that the mob prince is lacking in intelligence if he'd cheat on someone as beautiful and kind as the formerly brunette one"

"Well he's not the brightest crayon in the box, no. But it doesn't matter. You know in twenty five minutes you won't be able to call me that anymore" She pointed out, as she had dyed her hair back to brown. "What will you call me now?"

Spinelli scratched his head and looked puzzled. What could he call her now? "I could call you the Brunette one..although, it doesn't look as if i've put much effort into a new nickname..and I always put a lot of effort into them..hm.."

"Why don't you think about it and get back to me. I'm not going anywhere and you know where I live" She said, flashing a small smile.

"I will do that. Goodnight" he said, before heading out of the apartment.

Kendall waited till it was time and then washed out her hair, dried it, and then made her way to the couch. It wasn't long before she was sleeping on it and soundly at that. It was about three in the morning, when she was startled awake by the sound of the door opening. She grabbed the bat from underneath the couch which was where she had put it after Johnny insist she have a weapon in the apartment. She wasn't much for violence. But when you knew, loved, and were friends with members of the mob? You needed to at least entertain the idea of violence.

"I have a bat and I'm not afraid to bash your skull in with it!" She yelled, as she raised the bat up and readied herself.

She heard a curse word as whoever it was bumped into the table where the lamp was. It sounded familiar. The light turned on and she lowered the bat as she saw who it was. "John, what are you doing here? I thought I was pretty clear I wanted you out..and I could've sworn that I told you to give me the key back"

"You were clear..I just forgot a few things and.." He trailed off, not finishing his sentence. Instead, he stared at her hair which was no longer the shade of blonde it had been earlier that night. "When did you do that? I thought..you told me you didn't like your hair brown.."

"And you thought you'd come get them at three in the morning?" She asked, cocking an eyebrow. "And Spinelli helped me do it a few hours ago. I didn't say I didn't like it..you didn't like it" She corrected.

"Okay, I didn't forget anything. You caught me." he admitted, knowing he'd have to tell her why he'd really shown up in the middle of the night. "I didn't say I didn't like it, Kendall. I just associated the brown hair with you being depressed. The last time it was that dark was when.." He said, as it dawned on him. "When we lost Ana..Why did you dye your hair back your natural color, Kendall?"

"Do you mind explaining why you just..wandered into my apartment then?" She asked, as she tapped her foot, waiting impatiently for an explanation. It was a little weird after all. "Well I figured it was time for a change and..you know what? I like my natural color. I don't have to be blonde to be pretty"

"Because" he started, before sighing heavily. "Because I haven't slept without you for three years, Kendall..It's weird for me not being in the same bed..or at least the same apartment. I know I messed things up. I get that, it's all my fault, and I'm awful. But you know what? That doesn't change the fact that I love you and I'm not giving up. So if what I have to do is show up every day or every night and argue with you until you forgive me? Then I'll do that because you and me..we belong together and someday we're going to have to talk about Anastasia. Not now, but someday because the fact of the matter is...I think you're still stuck back then and you dyed your hair back because I hurt you and you were hurt then, and you blamed me for that too"

"I didn't blame you, John.." She sighed. "I blamed myself and I still blame myself. So, you can rest assured that you aren't being blamed for anything other than sleeping with Olivia Falconeri on our couch..and I just remembered you did that..oh my god, EW! I slept on that couch a little while ago..oh I feel like I need twenty showers and a bleach bath to be clean again" She said, shuddering. God, that was gross!

"But it wasn't your fault. The doctor told you so. Everyone did. It's not like you were a drunk or a drug addict and she got a disease or a complication from that. She had a heart defect. It happens to kids, it shouldn't have happened, but it did...Kendall please, please don't do this" He said, pleading with her. He sighed as she began to go on her miniature spazz out over the couch. He understood it—it was so Kendall of her to do that.

"Don't do what, John? Don't do what?"

"Don't push me away, don't blame yourself, Don't let the fact that your angry with me stop you from letting me help you!"

"How in the hell do you plan on helping me, John? You got a time machine? We going to go back in time and erase you sleeping with her? Maybe go back and bring back our dead baby?" She asked, as her eyes locked onto his.

"I get it..you don't want to forgive me..I probably wouldn't want to forgive me, either. I can't bring her back. I wish I could because I miss when you used to be happy. You used to smile and we spent hours—laughing about nothin'. I know life wasn't all rainbows and unicorns, we had problems just like everyone. But the problems weren't so bad because you loved me and I loved you, and that was all that mattered"

"Yeah, well loving you was a stupid thing to do. Look where it's gotten me. I've got a dead baby, a guy who cheats on me with a woman old enough to be his mother, and a couch that I have to burn" She said, as her eyes went to the couch. "Yeah, definitely got to burn it.."

"Just admit it, please? Admit that you need help—that you still love me even if I am a moron! Admit that you aren't past what happened and that you can't get over it because you know what? That's the first step..admitting you have a problem, admitting that we have a problem, and I hate shrinks almost as much as I hate Sonny, okay? But I will see one for you, I will go sit with you in therapy..please.."

Kendall felt tears filling her eyes and she attempted to wipe them before he could see. "I do still love you, John" She said, quietly as she looked down at the ground. "And maybe we do have a problem. But I just can't forgive you yet..I just..I can't"

"That's okay..that's okay. You don't have to..but please? please let me stay here with you tonight..you don't have to forgive me, just let me stay"

She thought about it for a long moment. "Okay, you can stay. You can stay on the couch"

"On the couch" he said, as she walked away and went into the bedroom.


End file.
